In this Coming out guide for LGBTQ people, we will try to show you a few basic steps to do it properly. Namely, coming out may be as exciting as scary. It’s different for everyone; you’re the only one who can decide when the time is right. This is why we will try to explain the overall process in a few simple steps. This way, you will better understand all this and make the best possible decision.
What is “coming out”?
“Coming out” is understanding your sexual orientation or gender identity and deciding who to share it with. First, it’s different for everyone, and there are many ways to do it. Some members of the LGBTQ community choose to speak only to themselves and nobody else. You’re the only one who knows what’s best for you.
This is the process that LGBTQ people follow to accept their sexual orientation or gender identity and share that identity openly with others.
More importantly, it’s a courageous thing to do, and it’s incredibly personal and different for everyone. Your emotions when coming out may range from being scared and anxious to elated and even relieved.
In the following paragraph of this Coming Out Guide for LGBTQ, we will reveal six stages of coming out.
Note: You can also read our National Coming Out Day article.
Six Stages of Coming Out
Vivian Cass (1979) developed Cass’s theory, a six-stage model that describes the development process that individuals go through as they consider and acquire a homosexual identity. This model consists of lesbian, gay, and bisexual identities. You could be in one of those stages. Know that what you are experiencing is normal and that many others have had similar experiences.
• Step 1 – Identity Confusion: You wonder if you are gay. You may find denial and confusion as well as other thoughts and feelings.
• Stage 2 – Identity Comparison: You accept the possibility that you may be gay and face the social isolation that can occur with this new identity.
• Step 3 – Identity Tolerance: Your acceptance of your homosexuality increases, and you begin to tolerate it. While confusion and distress about your sexual orientation are decreasing, you may feel more isolated and alienated as your concept of self becomes increasingly different from society’s expectations of you. At this point, you often begin to get in touch with members of the LGBTQ community.
• Step 4 – Accepting Identity: You have resolved most of your gender identity issues and agreed to be gay. Your contacts with the LGBTQ community are growing.
• Step 5 – Identity, Pride: You are starting to take pride in being part of the LGBTQ community and immerse yourself in the LGBTQ culture. In return, you are less connected to the heterosexual community. At times, you might be angry or dismissive of the heterosexual community.
• Step 6 – Identity Synthesis: You integrate your gender identity with other aspects of yourself so that it is only a part of your identity. The anger you may have felt toward the heterosexual community or the intense pride you may have felt in being homosexual decreases, and you can be your whole self with others from both groups. You sense a greater harmony between your public and your private ego.
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Principles of the coming out process
First of all, there’s no one right way to come out. It can feel better to be open about your sexual orientation, but there are many factors to consider before coming out.
Coming out is a step-by-step process. Often, the first step is coming out to yourself. This occurs when you acknowledge your sexual orientation and begin to accept it. After that, you may tell your family, friends, and community members. Ultimately, it is your choice to be open only to certain people, not others.
Social environment plays a significant role in your decision: Social environment can refer to your family, friends, work, country, etc. For instance, let’s say that gay twins live in different parts of the world and have the same personality. One lives in Sweden, where the general climate towards the LGBTQ community is quite friendly, while the other lives in the Middle East. While it is advisable for the 1st twin to come out, it is also advisable for the 2nd twin not to come out because the social environment still isn’t ready.
Coming out is a constant process. Because many people think everyone they meet is straight, coming out is an enduring process. Every time an LGBTQ-identified person meets someone new (friends, co-workers, etc.), they must decide if, when, and how to come out.
Choosing the right time to come out: The coming-out process can be liberating and bring you closer to the people you love.
At the same time, it can also be stressful or even risky. You may feel safer not coming out in certain situations. You don’t have to be out everywhere, all the time. After all, deciding what’s best for you is up to you.
Risks and benefits of coming out: There’s much to consider if you’re wondering whether to come out. Does coming out mean you risk losing your family’s emotional or financial support?
Could the coming out put you in physical threat? Will your family try to force you to be something you’re not? If you answered yes to one of these questions, you may wish to wait until you are in a different situation or have more support.
Should I come out?
In this part of our Coming Out Guide for LGBTQ, we will show you when you should come out and why or when you shouldn’t. In other words, it is a decision LGBTQ people must always face when meeting new folks. Consequently, it’s something you’ll do repeatedly throughout your life. Your approach and experience may differ depending on where and who you are with.
Notably, coming out is a fundamentally personal decision. You—and only you—get to decide if, when, and how you do it. This can be a grave step; you should only come out when ready.
It’s never okay to pressure an LGBTQ person without permission.
You might also want to start the process by talking to people who are also LGBTQ. In some cases, it’s also helpful to talk to experts (like a counselor, social service worker, teacher, or sympathetic family member) to clarify when you want to come out and who to come out to.
For everyone, and primarily for young people, sex and sexuality can change and evolve with time. It may take some time to understand your sexuality and identity thoroughly. In any case, these things may change as you mature. Unfortunately, sharing much of what you are as a person during this time can be delicate. You have to be prepared for possible negative feedback. After all, you can only change yourself. You cannot change the others. That’s their job!
For many people, coming out is a great adventure, especially if they have the support of their environment. Consequently, it can make your relationships better simply because you feel better. Nonetheless, it can also feel frightening, depending on who you’re coming out to. Unfortunately, in some places, there is a lot of homophobia—fear and hatred of LGBTQ people. If you think coming out might cause you harm — physical, emotional, or financial — you may postpone your coming out to a later date.
Last but not least, changing the environment is not bad! For example, some individuals move from their village to the city. Still, it’s not a classic escape. All they need to do is to live in an environment where they are accepted as persons. In general, the atmosphere in big cities is more LGBTQ-friendly.
How do I come out?
You have already learned that coming out is different for each person. There is no right way to do it; you can do it in your own words and in the way that suits you best.
Who should I come out to?
Deciding whom to tell is a big decision. Think of the people you are closest to and who would like to accept you, whatever happens. They will most likely help and support you when you come out with others.
For instance, If you depend upon your parents’ parental support and think coming out could get you kicked out of the house or put you in an unsafe situation, you might consider waiting to tell them until you’re dependent. A similar problem exists in the workplace. If you think the time is not ready, stay and come out later. You can talk to your best friend instead or to a professional.
Keep in mind you don’t have to tell everyone at the same time. It’s a step-by-step process. Sometimes, it’s to deal with each situation and relationship individually and carefully. Remember that predicting how someone will react to your coming out is difficult. So, try to be prepared for any reaction you might get — both positive and negative. And always know that whatever happens, you’re you’re.
When you come out to your close ones (family members, close friends, etc.), be patient, even if they don’t do it right away. For them, this can be a significant change. Hence, they may need some time to adapt to a situation.
What’s the best way to come out?
To begin with, there’s a “way to come out. And is there any right moment to come out? How you do it has one rule: it should sound right.
If you think someone you’re talking to might reject you, having a backup plan is a good idea. Provide some early support from someone who already knows you and loves you.
You can always choose the means of communication. You might decide to talk with the person you want to come out to, or it’s better to write an email or a letter.
If you’re face-to-face, pick a time and place that makes you (and them) feel relaxed without distractions. Every way has its pros and cons. Writing a letter or email can be a good option, especially if you’re about saying things correctly and want to give the person time to think.
The cons are that you might have to wait sometime, and in the end, you’ll talk to them anyway. Our advice is to try to speak in person if you can. It’s very personal.
Finally, you don’t want the person you come out to do the way you’d wish to right away. Sometimes, it takes a while for people to adjust — what you’ve heard might be surprising or unexpected. They might need time to process it before they support you.
Do I need to come out to a specialist?
One way to get the best possible health care is to be open and honest with your expert (doctor, sociologist, etc.). Coming out is always a personal choice. However, doing it right can increase the care you get from your specialist. I.e., only in this way can they give you the best possible care.
Remember that the things you and your doctor discuss during your visit will be completely private unless there’s a situation where they believe you may be in danger of hurting yourself or others or being hurt by someone else.
Some tips for being open with your specialist:
- Get referrals. Find out who members of the LGBTQ community in your area are seeing. Your local LGBTQ center probably has a list of LGBTQ-friendly locations, as well.
- Bring a friend. Especially if you’re feeling nervous about coming out to your doctor, bring along a trusted friend.
- Ask beforehand whether your specialist has experience with LGBTQ patients. You can ask this on the phone before you hand over your information.
- Ask questions. Draw up a list of questions (about your health, safety, support services, etc.) you want to ask in advance so you don’t forget anything at your appointment.
Coming out guide for LGBTQ – Tips:
- Don’t let anyone pressure you into ‘coming out.’ It’s your life, your decision, and your choice. You don’t have to come out.
- What will happen if you get rejected? Remember only to tell someone who might react if you have enough support to deal with the reaction.
- Think carefully about your words and choose the time and place.
- Be aware of what the other person is going through.
- The best time for you might not be the best time for the person you are coming out to.
- Present yourself genuinely and point out that you are the same as you were yesterday.
- If you are having doubts or feeling depressed or guilty, it may be best to get some support first, perhaps from a counselor or a hotline.
- Be prepared for an initial adverse reaction from some people. Do not forget that it took time to come to terms with your identity. As a result, it is important to give others the time they need. If you need your parents’ financial and emotional support and are scared they would “cut you off” if you came out, then wait until a proper moment in the future or when you are financially independent.
- Be sure you have people to support you if a coming-out talk goes ill.
- Be careful not to let your self-esteem rely entirely on others. Always remember to find inspiration within yourself. Only that way will you be able to maintain personal stability. In any case, rejecting others does not prove your lack of value.
- Remember that it is expected to be more out in some places than others.
- Be prepared to answer questions that people you come to may have.
- Please explain why you are coming out so they can learn why this is important to you.
- Be prepared that others might find out quickly once you tell people.
- Don’t come out during an argument. Don’t use your sexuality or gender identity as a weapon to hurt or shock someone else. Also, please don’t do it when drinking alcohol or using any other substance.
- Remember to listen to what the person you speak to has to say, especially if they are close friends or family members.
- Celebrate your coming out – it’s a huge step!
Coming out guide for LGBTQ – Helpful links:
Note: If you want to read more helpful articles like this, please visit our Gaytopia site.
Coming out guide for LGBTQ: The Conclusion
In the end, going out is always your decision. Knowing who you are is part of your journey. It does not represent the entire personality but only one aspect. The significant amount is if we are sincere. Remember that coming out will help you become someone you’re supposed to be. However, you still have the option of whom to share your personal information with. Remember, life is a matter of choice. Be your best version.
We hope you found this article, “Coming Out—A Quick Guide for LGBTQ People,” helpful and enjoyed reading it. We will prepare even more articles on these topics in the future, but for now, we will be happy to hear your coming-out stories in the comments below.
