Since people often mistake bottoms for weak, we will explain the meaning of the Bottom expression. So, if you want to learn more, please stay with us.
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The definition of Being a Bottom
In the context of sexual activity, especially among LGBTQ+ individuals, Bottom generally refers to the person who receives sexual penetration, most commonly anal sex. It’s a term describing the receptive role in a sexual encounter, often within a top/bottom or dominant/submissive dynamic. However, the term can also be used to describe the passive role in other types of sexual activity. Bottoms are typically individuals who are being penetrated, whether by a penis, fingers, or sex toys. While the term is often associated with penetration, it can also refer to the person who takes a more passive or submissive role in a sexual encounter. While the term is frequently used within gay male culture, it can be applied to any individual of any sexual orientation or gender identity who enjoys being the receiver in sexual activity. Being a bottom doesn’t necessarily mean always being penetrated; it can also describe the overall dynamic of receiving pleasure during sex.
Bottoms vs people pleasing
Being submissive or a bottom (in this case) means intentionally choosing to give over control, influence, or authority to another person because they have your best interests at heart and you want to serve them.
People pleasing, or being a pushover, means serving others while ignoring your own needs, either by unconscious choice or insecurity, and sometimes even when you don’t want to serve them.
The critical difference here is that being submissive means your needs are actively being spoken for and addressed (whether they are met or not is up to negotiation between you and your Dom). You are also consciously choosing to be subservient to your Dom, rather than letting others take control of your life without your consent.
Being a Bottom (or submissive) is also not a passive role. You don’t just let things happen to you. Receiving is a skillful act. Both sides of the slash must contribute and actively participate to make it a mutually beneficial and enjoyable experience.
Understanding the Bottoms
Being a Bottom is often a misunderstood sexual identity.
Being a submissive (or a bottom in this case) means that you enjoy the submissive role in a consensual erotic power exchange, and it does not mean that you are weak. Since a bottom is typically the person taking the spanks, spit, or whatever else has been responsibly negotiated, they get to make the rules for what they’re comfortable with and what is off the table. Of course, a bottom also listens to and respects their dominant’s wants, desires, and boundaries. But getting to the point where you can not only identify your needs but also communicate and negotiate them can take time and work.
Thanks to the sex-positivity movement and a healthier understanding of BDSM (bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M)), there have never been more tools, including working with a therapist, to help you negotiate your needs as a submissive.
Tips for being better Bottoms
Below are ten sex therapist-approved tips for how to get what you want out of a D/S (Dominant/submissive) relationship: from uncovering fantasies to bringing them to life to reveling in post-orgasm glows and aftercare.
Explore Alone
Before you can relay your needs and desires to others, you first must know what they are. Whether you’re single, partnered, or poly, etc., spend some time alone to explore your fantasies. Sure, it’s a bit tricky to spank yourself–but you can masturbate, fantasize, and watch and listen to porn and erotica to get a sense of what turns you off, what turns you on, and what you feel open to. There is no one right way to be a sub. From impact play to degradation to water sports, anything consensual (including consensual non-consent) is a potential turn-on.
Make a Checklist of hard and soft boundaries.
Everyone should have a list of hard and soft boundaries, regardless of their preferences and engagement with kink and BDSM. Rigid boundaries refer to completely off-limits things. For instance, you may not want to engage in any impact play that leaves a mark. Soft limits refer to something you are curious about but not sure if you’re ready to explore. For example, being dominated by two people at once might be fun to masturbate to, but if you’re a little uneasy about trying it in real life, keep it on your soft boundaries list for now.
Communicate with your Top
Part of negotiating your needs as a bottom means finding the right Top who has a solid understanding of their own. Remember, erotic power exchange is just that: an exchange. After creating your hard and soft boundaries list, make sure that your Top does the same. Discussing your lists together is not only a healthy and vital activity, but it can also be intimate, sexy, and erotic. Everyone’s boundaries, hard limits, and soft limits should be discussed and understood before engaging in a scene.. Even D/S scenes, which don’t involve physical pain, such as name-calling, can cause emotional harm when not done consensually and intentionally.
Be picky
Unfortunately, there are inexperienced Tops out there who don’t understand RACK (risk-aware consensual kink). Remember: You are in charge. If something ever feels off or you get a bad vibe about a potential partner, don’t be afraid to turn them down and listen to your intuition. There are plenty of dominant fish in the sea.
Create a safeword
A safeword, in this context, is a pre-arranged word or phrase used to indicate that a participant wants the activity to stop or be toned down.
So, before engaging in a D/S scene, make sure to create a safe word. For some folks, it can be Part of the fun to yell “stop” and “no” while in a role-playing scenario (without actually wanting your Top to stop), which is why a completely unrelated word is necessary to communicate within a scene without confusion. So, if you shout your safe word, whether it’s “pineapple” or “wealth redistribution,” your Top will instantly know you want to stop, and they will safely end the scene. Tops don’t (and shouldn’t) want to harm their Bottoms, so it’s crucial to know when play goes too far.
You have the power!
As noted, erotic power exchanges are an exchange, not one-directional. Therefore, Bottoms aren’t having their power taken from them; they are consensually allowing their dominant partner to “control” the scene. However, that being said, submissives still have control. Bottoms are consensually surrendering to their partner, but they get to say the safe word at any time, just like they get to state hard and soft boundaries clearly.
Checking in throughout the scene
While negotiating beforehand is essential, as is aftercare, it’s also vital to check in with your Top throughout the scene. How you decide to do that is between you and your partner(s). Some folks utilize a stoplight system: they ask their partner what color they’re at to gauge how they’re feeling about the scene. Green means everything’s great, keep going, yellow can mean to slow down or to take a break for a moment, and red means to stop entirely and immediately. This helps both partners stay present in the scene if they want to, while also providing an easy way to check in periodically and stop if they need to.
Consider working out with the therapist.
Communicating within a relationship can be tricky, whether you’re discussing paying bills or piss play. Even very experienced kinksters run into communication traps. Because communication is the foundation for any relationship, especially kinky ones, it’s helpful to consider working with a therapist. A trained sex-positive relationship therapist can help you and your dominant discuss your wants and needs. Remember, sexuality is rarely stagnant, so your desires may ebb and flow over time. A trained therapist can help you navigate these in an insightful, knowing, healing, calm, and straightforward manner.
Prioritize aftercare
Even when the books do everything in a scene, being a Bottom can take an emotional, mental, and physical toll. Aftercare refers to literally taking care of one another after sex or a D/S scene. Aftercare may look like bringing ice for bruises, snacks to raise blood sugar, and plenty of snuggling. Sometimes, during a scene, we can get unintentionally triggered. Even when a role-playing scenario is hot and consensual, you may still feel down afterward. Plenty of people even cry when they have orgasms! Emotional expression isn’t a bad thing; it just means you may have had an intense scene. If you are neglected afterward, this could lead to or perpetuate trauma. However, with the proper aftercare, a fierce scene can lead to bonding and healing from past experiences.
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